The Long Walk Home
by stereochick
Summary: Sometimes even when you fear the worst, you're still not prepared to finally hear it. Sometimes the anticipation is the worst part. The walk home from school had never seemed longer than the day Darry showed up to take him home.


I've been looking at this piece for a while now and I figured if I didn't post it, it would sit in my hard drive forever. It's pretty tragic and maybe a little upsetting so be forewarned.

Anyway, tell me what you think. I'm interested in your feedback.

**The Long Walk Home**

Pony exited the school quickly. God it had been a long week. If Two-Bit hadn't gotten suspended he might have a ride home just then, but he didn't. He didn't mind walking so much, but on Thursday afternoon and following three tests, he just wanted a nap. At least it was a nice day.

As he passed by the faceless crowd of people, he suddenly felt a jolt. He nearly tripped as he did a double take and he had to avoid bumping into people. Beside the cement staircase he had just descended was Darry.

Odd as it was to see his brother there, he was immediately tense. He slowed his pace down as he walked towards his brother hesitantly. Darry's face was blank. Not as if he wasn't feeling anything but like he was intentionally trying to hide his emotions. Darry always looked disinterested, so Pony immediately knew the difference.

"What... what are you doing here?" He was intentionally rude. He could expect to be rebuked for it, and that would put an end to the tension.

He didn't get that response. Darry wasn't even meeting his eyes. It was almost spooky, like his brother barely noticed his presence. "I knew Two-Bit wouldn't be here and I thought I'd walk you home."

Two things were wrong with that. One, his brother had a car and could have just as easily picked him up rather than walking. Two, at three O'clock on a Thursday afternoon, Darry would have unquestionably been at work.

Pony stood there for nearly a minute staring beseechingly at his brother. Looking for some sign that everything wasn't completely wrong. He couldn't find anything worthy of hope. Darry turned on his heel and started walking without gesturing for Pony to follow him.

It was a good two-mile's walk to their house. Darry walked stiffly and uncomfortably. Somehow Pony could tell something was missing in the way his brother was walking. The twenty-two year old usually had a purposeful pace that tolerated no messing around when he was heading somewhere. Pony saw what someone walking behind himself might see – an aimless stroll that suggested he was lost in his thoughts.

Something was building in his chest and creeping up his neck. He felt like his airway was being constricted. Thoughts were pummeling towards him at the speed of light. One in particular – the worst thing he could think of – he kept coming back to.

'No. No. No. No...' was all he could bare to keep repeating. 'He's walking me home from school. That's all.' The irrationality he did not care at all about. It was what was keeping his legs moving. It was what was keeping his heart beating.

"It's pretty nice out. A nice day for a walk, huh Darry?" Pony asked, looking for a nod or some sign that was it. That that was the reason he was being walked home instead of driven.

His brother didn't respond or even look at him.

"Maybe later we could go to the Tasty Freeze. I just got my paycheck from the bowling alley, so it'll be on me." He could see his brother's head sink just the slightest bit lower. "That... that would be fun, wouldn't it?"

He still got no response. Pony felt like he was going to be sick. He tried to imagine that Darry's pace had slowed so that he could catch up. 'That must be it...' he attempted to tell himself.

"Darry..." he called. He didn't think he could stand to walk any further with the vast weight of stress that was descending over his body. "Darry, please."

His brother didn't slow his pace, didn't turn around, just kept moving forward like he had heard nothing.

His jaw was shaking and he clenched it roughly. His arms were shaking, his stomach was shaking, and he felt his legs could give in at any second. He could make a guess that they were little over a half-mile from their house, but he felt like the next step could be his last.

"Please..." he didn't recognize his own voice. It held something desperate and pathetic. Still Darry would not answer him. He walked on, slightly picking up his pace but not reacting in any other way.

'No. No. No. This isn't happening. He's walking me home from school. Nothing's wrong- Soda...' Something escaped from his throat in the form of a raspy gasp. He felt like he could collapse unconscious for the stress on his heart was building. He quite rapidly changed his mantra. 'Just get home. Get home. Just get home.'

"You can't do this to me, Darry. Please," He said, unable to even acknowledge how pathetic his voice sounded. His teeth were chattering rapidly and his lip was quivering. Somewhere from a distance he could hear a whimpering noise he thought Darry might be making.

He suddenly sprinted to catch up with Darry and stared at him with all the intensity he could display. Still there was a blank look on his brother's face. It wasn't Darry that was making the noise.

Before he could even think about it was suddenly out of his lips.

"Fuck you!"

It was the worst thing he had ever said to anybody in his family. He would have been horrified, but he needed to see a response. Something to make his brother respond so they could stop this charade. He needed distraction. For Darry to yell at him or hit him and tell him how uncalled for it was.

Darry picked up his pace, almost at a jog now. Still he refused to even look at Pony. They were now blocks from their house. Pony felt like his head was a balloon with too much air in it. His entire body was shaking – he could see it as well as feel it. His vision was blurring. He wasn't sure how he managed to keep moving, but his mantra was all he could focus on now. 'Just get home. Just get home! Oh God, Soda...'

He hated his oldest brother with every fiber of his being and he didn't think he would ever be able to look at him in the face again.

"Just get home. Just get home." He muttered the words under his breath almost without his consent. Glass was running through his veins as he rounded the block and started up the street towards their house.

His vision seemed to be tunneling. His legs were burning as though his backpack weighed a hundred pounds but he forced them to carry him to his door. It was odd. As much as he wanted to get home – to be told everything, he almost wished they had a longer walk. More time. More time before Darry told him what this was about. And as much as he wanted to know, he needed more time.

Darry was waiting for him on the porch when he finally made it. He opened the door and allowed his youngest brother to enter in front of him and shut the door behind them.

His entire body felt numb and electric at the same moment. Ever nerve in his body was tingling as they traveled up and down his spine, through his arms and legs and back again. He stood stock still, unable to move or breath or function. With a soft thunk his backpack fell to the ground. His face was burning hot and he felt like the blood vessels within were fit to pop.

A large hand settled on his shoulder and it finally occurred. He felt a sharp sting in his knees as he fell to them and he breathed deeply for almost half a minute before he yelled so long and loud he could almost feel the house shaking. Even to his own ears it seemed horrific. It was the kind of noise he'd hear animals make when they were in deep pain or distress.

"I'm so sorry, Pony. God, I'm so sorry." Darry was whispering low and fast.

"Don't-" He didn't recognize his own voice. He didn't know who it belonged to, but it was not his. "Don't-Don't-Don't-Don't"

He didn't think he was able to bear this pain any longer. He was sure he could expect to pass out at any second, but he didn't. He felt like he was being tortured as waves of pain ran over his body. So jostled by the brutalizing current running all through his body was he that for a long moment he completely forgot what was so upsetting to him. He wished he could stay that way. But he remembered.

"Darry, tomorrow... it's his birthday, Darry. How... how could this happen?" irrationality was descending. "It's impossible. It's a mistake. How do you know?"

There was a long pause. He couldn't bear to look at his brother to see how he was reacting. The reply came out in fast raspy breaths. "I forgot my hammer - and I stopped by the house on the way to our second house to pick it up. I checked the mail and... There was a letter from the army."

"Well they made a mistake. Call them and make sure this isn't a fucking mistake, Darry. Do it right now." Again his brother didn't even flinch at his tone or choice of words. He merely looked at him with sadness and pity.

"Don't look at me like that! Goddamn it... God..." but he couldn't hold it in anymore and Darry was looking at him with such devastation on his face he didn't try.

He cried for a long time. Darry did too. It was painful – not just emotionally, but physically. He was sure he'd never cried so hard. His parents had died so suddenly and it had been such a shock it was almost like being punched in the stomach when he wasn't expecting it. After the initial hurt it had been more bewilderment and astonishment than actual pain. Johnny and Dally dying had been so horrific he could only watch with a kind of disinterest his mind forced upon him to protect him from the full force of the blow. It had only been months since his parents, how could he deal any of it if not with confusion? The concussion had masked the impact.

But Soda... Soda had been a long and agonizing wait. Every night it had been the same. It was as though his brother had a fatal illness and no one knew if he was getting better or worse. Everyday he was reminded of his middle brother's absence. Every night he would get into their bed and realize it was only his bed now. It was a torturous kind of wait. One that lacked any sort of conclusion for at least a year. Less than that and it was for the worst.

Moments would come when he felt like he was in Vietnam. Where bullets would whiz by him like lightening. Any second could be the last.

He barely noticed when Darry grabbed him up in a hug. It felt wrong that Darry was crying. He didn't deny the need for it, he just wondered how it was possible that Darry would let himself cry in front of him.

"This..." he could barely speak around the sobs that tore up and out of his throat. "No... I..." He wanted to force himself to stop. His stomach was being twisted into a knot at the effort. "Wha... wh..."

"It's not fair." In place of the sobs, a deep horrible keening made its way to his lips.

It wasn't fair that he was able to go through this much pain without passing out. It wasn't fair that Darry was crying in front of him even though Darry was the only source of strength the world had to offer him right now. Not fair that Darry had dared to put him through the walk home.

It wasn't fair that he had gone through a year of desperate hoping and fruitless wishing to have it end as though this hadn't been expected at all. Not fair that the last and only person he had cared for more than life itself didn't have one any longer.

It wasn't fair that his brother was dead.

"I wish..." he was choking. He felt like tight hands were around his neck. "I wish it had been me instead."

Soda held their family together. Darry supported them. His role was trivial. He felt expendable. It should have been him.

Darry let go of him quite fiercely, seeming to have finally given up on his refusal to acknowledge what was happening. It was what Pony had been wanting all along, but somehow it didn't matter anymore.

"Pony, I wish you knew how wrong you are. I wish you knew how much you mean to everyone. How much you mean to me." He looked up at his brother's face. He could see the honesty and sincerity in his brother's eyes. It was as if the ice had melted.

It felt odd. He had wanted his oldest brother to say this to him for so long. He had been so sure that Darry didn't care for him at all. But it felt too soon... not right that Soda wasn't alive to see it himself.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." It was Darry that said the words, but Pony felt like his brother was speaking for both of them. He could see the devastated look on his brother's face and he outstretched his arms, feeling as though he could collapse. Darry reached for him at the same time, looking as though he was ready to crumple as well. Both brothers met in embrace and together, they supported each other.

A/N: Thanks for reading! Let me know what you think.


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